I'm getting married in August. This surprises me, as not only did I not imagine myself finding anybody who could put up with me, but I did not imagine I would actually marry him were he to exist. Apparently, he does, and apparently, I will.
I have found people's reactions to this news amusing. Now, let's keep in mind my colorful history. I was married to someone else rather young. Twelve years ago, to be exact, to a rather interesting megalomaniac who intimidated me all the way to the altar and fancied himself third only to Jesus Christ and Adam, the first man. That version of a relationship ended three years later, leaving me another seven years before I married again, in an ill-fated move which ended six weeks later in an annulment. (This means it never happened. I've only been married once! Second one never happened...) So now, three years later, I have finally connected with someone in that way; in the way stories say you should feel with another person; stories I never really bought. Surprise, surprise.
From many, I get your average "congratulations! I'm so happy for you!" (Why? I always wonder. Love is great, love is grand, but why congratulate a person for finding it? It was luck I tell you; blind, stupid luck... But I'm not giving it back. :-P) Some cautious folk don't believe me, having been taken in by preposterous announcements I've made in the past. Let them doubt.
My favorite responses, however, are from those who have wearied of congratulating me on my upcoming nuptials. The first time around I was young, and it was expected and exciting and new. The second time, they had seen me go round the block a few times, and were happy and relieved that I seemed to be finding some traditional measure of stability. But I betrayed them. At this point, they've been burned before, and react to me with a measure of studied equilibrium. "What makes this one different than the other two?" they ask, or something like it, their would-be joy tempered with reason and skepticism. I have a problem, after all, they have determined. Look how I jump to marry everyone and their brother! Perhaps they can steady me in my insatiable quest for matrimony.
The fact is that this time it's really not about marriage. Marriage is something people do when they feel the way we do, because that's how the world works. We want to live together and have a life together and be parents together and not be expected to vacation separately. We want to be rid of the raised eyebrows and the poorly concealed curiosity. We want it to be two or three years from now, when we are no longer new, and no one gives us a second thought. We want to be the other's emergency contact, to be considered "family" at the hospital, to not have to explain to anyone what we are to each other in more than one word. Not that the true explanation is contained in that word, or in any word, but it will do.
And so marriage is what we will do. The means necessary. And it will be good, because it is only the side effect of something much, much larger. You know what it is. And I myself have had my fill of reactions, because in the end (and even in the beginning) no one really needs to know at all except us.
:-)
2 comments:
I think the congratulations part is perfectly understandable, almost BECAUSE it involves luck. We congratulate each other as we would if we won the lottery, but with more depth because it's more important and because it does at least take some effort to make a relationship work, even if it was dumb luck that helped you find the person.
Plus it's just an affirmation of life or something--with all the difficult stuff that happens in life, it's wonderful when the stories come true, and we fellow-humans can all glory in that for a moment.
I am happy for you :-)
I love it....all of it.
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